The Things Grief Has Taught Me

Grief has taught me a couple of things.

First, not to take time or people for granted. We often move through life assuming that those we love will always be there and that we will always have more time. Grief has reminded me how fragile and precious both are.

Second, that I cannot bribe God. When my dad was ill, I prayed earnestly for him. I never saw the point of saying, "If You keep him, I will do this or that." Instead, I found myself pleading for more time and for healing, trusting in the relationship I believed I had with God. I negotiated, if you will, not with promises, but with hope, faith, and a heartfelt desire to have my father with us a little longer.

I guess this is where much of my pain comes from. Knowing that I had cried out to the One who could have intervened, who had the power to change the outcome, and yet for reasons known only to Him, chose not to. That realization has been one of the hardest parts of my grief journey.

I admit that writing this still feels a little frightening. There is a part of me that worries it may sound irreverent or even blasphemous, but that is not my intention. If anything, it comes from taking God seriously. One of the deepest revelations I believe God has given me is that He is the Author of life. Because I believe that, I have had to wrestle honestly with the tension between what I know of His power and what I experienced in my loss.

Faith has not removed the questions. If anything, it has given me the courage to bring them before Him. And perhaps that, too, is part of what it means to be in a real relationship with God: not pretending that we do not hurt, but trusting Him enough to bring Him our pain, our disappointment, and our unanswered prayers.